Fugly Clothing I Have Worn

My long history of sartorial choices has me shocked I’ve ever had sex.

In middle school, I wore floral overalls everywhere. While those tumbled in the wash, I swapped in a sunflower crop top.

Next up were sweet-ass plaid bell-bottoms. What does one pair with such a garment? Everything — obviously.

Graduating up to high school meant evolving my style. Why walk in one’s pants when one can swim?


The week of my 30th birthday, I dumped three huge garbage bags off at the Goodwill. Turns out I’m still unable to pick ‘em.

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My Cheering Squad: The Week In Media

I don’t know what would happen if Eeyore were to detox from meth, but please try to imagine that vibe.

Hold it in your head.


That was me. Minus being a stuffed animal, on meth.

A foul, icky mood penetrated my pores today. It squiggled into my heart and rode the hemoglobin express to every capillary of my being.

I was angry about things that happened before. I dreaded things that were going to happen.

Then I thought:

I could keep this up, or I could put a lid on it. A figurative giant glass lid. Maybe even a bell jar.

I’m going to stopper everything that’s not today, because today is going fine.

I made today’s word “present.”


What’s going on right now that I really dig? My Cheering Squad week in media, of course! Today: Big Hero 6, Gotham, and new books by Amy Poehler and Jim Gaffigan!

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Twas Two Nights After The Night Before Halloween


Twas the night after All Hallow’s eve
And the doll heads were hung in my house with care
Not a creature was stirring
Except for my difficult beagle-border collie mix, shedding everywhere


All the spooks lined up outside
Skulls, spiders, skeletons! Oh my!


One fish, two fish, three fish, reverse mermaid
Robo cop, Paul McCartney, and Tin Foil Hat Lady they played


Other people were other stuff
Rhyming is hard


The structure of this post was something
I shouldn’t’ve even tried to undertake
Look how cute these children are
Will that distract you
So seriously guys, what should we be next year


Why I Love Birds


I love birds because the best way for humans to fly is to chuck metal into the air. Man achieves lift brutishly.

I love birds because were once dinosaurs. Their weighty talons squelched prints into mud. They roared. When a meteor slapped the planet across the face, the lizard monsters hollowed their bones out and took to the air.

I love birds because Darwin studied them aboard a ship called the Beagle.

I love bird words. The edgy “beak” contrasts with the breathlessness “plumage.” Consider “grackle,” “starling,” “parakeet,” and “flamingo.” Their group names are enchanting: a charm of finches, an exaltation of larks, a watch of nightingales.

I love birds because I love The Birds.

I love lovebirds, with their crayon colors and their curmudgeonly dispositions. I enjoy the irony of lovebirds’ viciousness when facing curious children.

I remember tendrils of my blood escaping from my finger into the bathtub after my lovebird bit me. Years later, I put on gloves and transferred her corpse to the trash. Her body felt hollow, but it sunk immediately beneath tissues and table scraps.

I fear the lung cancer that bird dander and dung allegedly cause. My lungs already limp, without hastily multiplying off-brand DNA inside them.

I abhor the notion that birds’ pee and poop squelches out of them together, like acid jambalaya.

I am familiar with bird droppings, because they are on my car.

I know birds are aiming for it.

I am on to the bird conspiracy.

I was never good at French. I am particularly bad at caw and chirp; but I know what their cackles are about.

I post this because if you are reading this, the birds have gotten to me.

I love birds, I yelled, but they knew I did not.


How To Simplify Your Life By Choosing One Trait A Day

Instead of trying to be everything at once, I’ve decided to focus on one positive attribute a day, and make my choices around whether that fits in pretty well with that attribute.

You need to look at the next day (or choose in the morning) what your big goals are and pick out what adjective would best suit them.

Got a lot of work to do? Go with “conscientious.” Cooking your meals for the week ahead of time? Maybe “healthy.” Is the day about taking your time off for yourself? How about “indulgent”? Etc.

Day 1, yesterday, was “quirky!” (The exclamation point is important.)


I sometimes find Zooey Deschanel’s “look at how wacky I am!” schtick tiresome.

However, this might be jealousy, because she appears to be having a great time — and I would like to have a great time.

Since yesterday was Friday, and I knew I didn’t have a lot to do at work, I figured Quirky would be a nice starter adjective.

Yesterday’s Quirk Day went thusly:


Healthy morning: Granola bar + gym. If you want energy for the day (and caffeine makes you a paranoid bitch), exercise is a great way to go about it. No matter how you feel about yourself, daily exercise helps. Try not to fall into justifications for not bothering. Excuses are sad and lazy, which is not the same as “quirky.”

Outfit & makeup: My pink lipstick goes with my fox sweater, naturally.

Work: I befriended a Mastiff named Goose.

Lunch: I thought about having a second piece of pizza, but “gluttonous” wasn’t today’s adjective. (Honestly, I might make it the adjective for Thanksgiving. Save myself the trouble.)

Evening: Hubs & I hit up BN to get Amy Poehler’s new book, then saw Big Hero 6, about a lovable, chubby robot. The plot hinges on dueling scientists, and dead family, and the power of friendship. I was mostly focused on the robot. It was a plushy waiting to happen (and it has. Disney would never pass up on a marketing opportunity).

Late evening: We watched a show about a supernatural swamp while eating animal crackers.

Today’s Saturday, and I’m going to go for “chill.” I’m hoping not to let anything bother me today. (Ha.) Tomorrow’s theme is “clean.” My dog is going to be groomed in the morning; I’m going to vacuum up his fur mountains, do all the dishes, and take down the Halloween decorations.

More updates on how all of this is working out forthcoming, along with much-neglected pictures of costumes.