Death On A Dime: How to Craft A Cheap & Easy Heart or Halloween Garland

Need to decorate for Halloween? This is a cinch.


I’m going to chop off some heads this Halloween, so I made a few home decorations to go with my costume. This was so embarrassingly easy (and cute) that I had to detail it here.

To create the heart garland, you’ll need a sturdy heart-shaped punch, a few playing card decks, hot glue, and string.

Punch hearts out of the deck. Affix two dots of hot glue to the bumps at the back of each heart. Press the string into the glue dots. Leave it to cool for a few minutes, then stick it anywhere you’d like.

Want to creep it up a notch? Try doll heads instead of hearts.

The doll heads are a little tougher. I made them by doing Google Image Searches of “creepy doll head,” then saving my favorites to the desktop. I uploaded those images to Wal-Mart Photo and printed them for something like 18 cents each. Then I snipped them out and did the same hot-glue-plus-string rigamarole as before.

The hearts are cute, but the doll heads might make your friends break up with you.

You didn’t need them anyway. The voices can keep you company.


Quakers: Not Just About Oats. But mostly about oats.


Cool fact about Quaker weddings: they don’t have officiants.

Everybody hangs out in a circle, and if the spirit moves them, they say a few words about the couple, or whatever they feel like saying.

When everybody runs out of stuff to say, that’s that. Time for some food.


My friends’ wedding last weekend was technically more of an anniversary celebration. They’d eloped in New Orleans on Halloween last year. So this shindig was even more laid back than the Quaker standard. It was in a tent, in a field. The food was potluck, and people played tailgating games around a bonfire.

The couple didn’t have an official photographer, so everyone took a few snaps and sent them to the couple. These were mine.


I brought my DSLR to the wedding. When I got there, I unhappily remembered that the auto-focus on that camera was blown. I spent most of the afternoon scowling and fiddling with the lenses manually.

A plot to buy a new camera was hatched, along with a fantasy of shattering my current one against a brick wall.

When I got home, I saw the results.

A lot of my snaps were out-of-focus shite, but some of them were just right. Which is a pretty apt metaphor for what marriage is like, if I ever saw one. I’m keeping the camera (and, I suppose, my husband).

Congrats, Amy & Dylan! 


I approve of this invoice.

My company’s accountant has a weird sense of humor, and Five Below sells stickers.

Combine these, and what do you get?

Me approving invoices with zest.


“Today is going to be the day I turn my life around!” said Joe, who had no idea.


“I ripped this rose from its stem to watch it slowly decompose,” Ella said.
“Uh, are you feeling okay?” Muffin asked.

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Combining unlikely genres


If Leprechaun in Space can be a thing, Swamp Thing in Space should become one, too.

Speaking of mixing genres, I’d like to combine a romantic comedy with horror. 

In my omedy (“ominous comedy”) film, one of the protagonists lives in a house that’s wicked haunted by a super-terrifying ghost.

The characters are so besotted that they fail to notice entirely. 

There would be moments where:

  • Lady protagonist shuts the mirror, and the ghost is ominously behind her. However, she’s so busy prepping for a Cute Date that she doesn’t notice.
  • The couple Has Sex For The First Time, and the floating ghost head watches through the window. They don’t notice.
  • Dolls’ eyes follow the characters around the apartment. No one acknowledges this.
  • The paintings/photos in the house slowly change into far more ominous things. The characters bluster right past this. In one scene, a Cute Selfie is pasted directly over a particularly grotesque one with zero acknowledgement.
  • A Ouija board inexplicably appears; the planchette moves on its own. No one asks why it’s there or spots it eerily moving in the out-of-focus background. We’re too busy watching them eat ice cream in their underwear in the foreground. They’re booping each other on the nose with spoons.

Never in the film must they ever be affected by the haunting.

I’m casting Jake Gyllenhaal as the male lead and Amanda Seyfried as the female lead because they are both cute as buttons.


What kind of name is Fish Mooney?


The characters in Gotham seem unaware that they live in an overblown Telemundo-style alternate dimension.

When you start to think that Gotham‘s acting is terrible, you need only remind yourself that the show is not meant to depict reality. It is the essence of stylization. It’s an homage to the genre. Gotham is basically Batman: The Animated Series, in live-action form.

A producer seems to have sat down and said, “Take the craziest shit from the comics, then turn it up to 11.”

Jada Pinkett-Smith replied, “Done. I call Fish Mooney.”

Then someone said, “There is no ‘Fish Mooney’ in the comics.”

To which Jada Pinkett-Smith flipped a table. They just let her have it.