Bad Sex, Murder Mommies, Sketches, and Hanukkah: 5 Links

Things I Have Drawn is a father meticulously Photoshopping his children’s illustrations into reality.

The Guardian’s annual Bad Sex Awards are live. This gloriously NSFW article has snippets of 2018’s worst sex scenes from otherwise “literary” novels.  (Please note that all of these authors are men.)

If you want another good dose of Morning Yikes, check out My Mother Taught Me To Kill. It’s written by a guy serving a life sentence for murdering a bunch of people with his mom.

^ via my brother: My Modern Met writes about José Naranja‘s intense travel notebooks. They make me want to fill my sketchbooks’ space more efficiently, and also to improve my handwriting.

From McSweeney’s:  I’m Hanukkah and I’m Living My Best Life so Deal With it. Thought I’d leave you on an uplifting note after all that murder and bad sex.

Art History: 5 Pictures of Hairy Mary Magdalene

I was meandering through medieval paintings for inspiration (as one does), I fell into a pit of hairy ladies.

I guess we can check that fantasy off my bucket list, am I right?

So what was happening with this very fluffy dame?

Turns out it’s Mary Magdalene, former prozzie and Jesus’ homegirl.

According to some religious historians, Mary’s hair was a reaction to the sun. After Jesus passed away, she wandered off into the desert to, you know, repent or think or whatever. Instead of getting a sunburn — as people typically do — she developed a pelt. In an era before sunblock, people had to find creative solutions.

The patriarchy intended the coif to reflect her carnality. Her locks were an externalization of her sin.

If this could happen to her, it could happen to you, you dirty girl, you.

But hey, I dig Mary’s top-to-toe mane.

We’re body positive around here.

My Top 5 Inktober Paintings

Inktober is the annual tradition of spending a month trying to bend liquid pigment to your will.

Imagine: the days are long; the nights are dark; and you are covered in ink. Your fountain pen is clogged and so is the space under your fingernails. You aren’t sure you’re going to survive to Halloween, but you do. Even though the challenge is over, you still have a hundred-yard-stare. Ink is hard. And you’re not sure you’ve improved much at all.

I do this to myself every year.

This year was particularly intense because my husband wanted me to make a wall of them and use it for part of our haunted house. I couldn’t back out. I had to come through for the sake of our Halloween party.

Let’s all look at my favorite piece:

This is Hadwin. He’s a vampire learning to fly. His entire life, Hadwin listened to stories of great flying raids. He drew pictures of himself flying. He bounced on trampolines, waiting for his moment. Now that he’s finally able to transform, he’s realized: he’s afraid of heights.

Sometimes the things you want most in life turn out to be things you don’t like at all. For example, I’d always dreamed of being a successful New York City designer. Then I tried to move to New York. I realized that I didn’t like New York.

Ah well. I did Inktober from a cornfield. Nobody’s perfect.

Here are my 4 runners-up: 

We gave away these paintings (and the other 20+ of them) at a party, and all four of the these were taken.

Yes, that includes the screaming, shirtless, chest-hair-saturated bunny-man. That piece is hanging on someone’s wall right now. One of my friends apparently thought, “oh yes, this angst goes perfectly with my décor.”

Ah, the malaise that a Leah Lucci Original™ can bring into your home. Accept no substitutes.

5 Unpopular Opinions, Illustrated

Like a moldy bridge, the Internet has trolls lurking underneath. Reddit: Unpopular Opinions is a particularly fetid spot for these mouth-breathers. It’s simmering with people ready to spew their most bigoted thoughts in the name of edginess/independence from the norm. 5 examples spotted today (June 14th) include:

“Cultural appropriation is a joke.”

“African Americans are the greatest beneficiaries of slavery.”

“I don’t think grocery stores should provide motorized wheelchairs for disabled customers.”

“Drunk sex is not rape.”

“If you’re a Vet and you’re struggling then you’re not trying.”

Last week (June 7th), here were a few winners… that I decided to go ahead and illustrate:

My favorite: the torture-porn Saw franchise outlines some good parenting strategies. I couldn’t stop laughing at this one.

Strong disagree. Counterargument:

Anyway…

The words “crusty” and “moist” are so obviously worse.

This feels classist? Possibly racist? Definitely shitty — no pun intended.

More like: Fuck that opinion.

Everyone made fun of the Bachelor girl who liked the Olive Garden, but I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love it.

Monsters. Monsters everywhere.

2018’s Top 5 Books (So Far)!

After the heaving, gasping-for-breath disaster of 2017, I decided to spend 2018 embracing hygge, which involved less time on the Internet and more time reading.

The downside was fewer blog posts, which I’ve realized I missed writing. So let’s combine reading & writing, and talk about my top 5 reads of the year so far, out of the 26 I’ve read in 2018. (Wait, 26? Yep.)

Without further ado…

Jo Walton, Starlings

This short story collection contains: sentient AI, sentient mirrors, magically sharing pain with family members, nursing home biddies, Jesus clones, gravity-free ballet, and some poetry at the end I didn’t read

Daryl Gregory, Spoonbenders

This novel contains: Dysfunctional family, time travel, gambling, “fake” psychics who are real psychics, “real” psychics who are fake psychics, a magic ray, astral projection, and a character who keeps digging holes in the backyard for no apparent reason

Helen Oyeyemi, What Is Not Yours Is Not Yours

This short story collection contains: Mysterious keys, lesbians, constellation tattoos, a puppetry school, a celebrity bad boy, artists, library love, & witchcraft that works

Dan Harris, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics

This book contains: A non-pretentious, non-religious sass mouth; the mellowest dude you’ve ever met; a bus tour; easy advice for beginners; and a conversational tone

KC Archer, School for Psychics

This novel contains: a school for psychics that is NOT Harry-Potter-like, gambling, law enforcement training, betrayal, secret societies

As you can see, I mostly like the idea of magic & the mind. Even meditation is a sort of metaphysical thing where you’re using your mind to change the world.

When I read a book that has zero magic or science fiction* in it, I honestly get a little disappointed.

*The line between “magic” and “science fiction” seems to be narrowing as technology progresses. I have no idea how my car, the Internet, or my phone works. They might as well be made by sorcerers.