07/29/14
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Don’t Believe My Instagram Account’s Lies

Study after study has shown that social media makes everyone bitter. When all of us show only our best sides, we live in a funhouse mirror-world where we think everyone else is happy all the time.

Sometimes life’s not so great!

Let me show you!

Here are some really great “happy” photos from my Instagram, plus the truths behind them.

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am super fun and whimsical and in love!”
Truth-Bomb: “Also: I’m sweating my ass off and I have to pee. But I just peed before this photo and I feel too self-conscious to tell people that I have to go again. Also, my parents are in town and I’m worried they have noticed I don’t quite have it together yet.”

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am a Dog Whisperer. Also, I’m proud to have painted my library such a nice shade of blue.”
Truth-Bomb: “I am super-close to this animal’s farts. I am having a bad hair day.”

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “My dog is laying on my purse because he doesn’t want me to go to work! I AM SO GOOD WITH ANIMALS!”
Truth-Bomb: “I’m really bad at setting boundaries with the dog, which is why he lays on my crap. His damn fur gets all over everything, all the time, everywhere. I’ll be in another town and find his fur on my clothes or in my food. My husband and I argue about vacuuming because we’re sick of having to do it all the time.”

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I’m a successful homemaker and gardener!”
Truth-Bomb: “Most of these flowers wilted within 12 hours. Fuck lilies. When they deflate, they looked like shriveled scrotums.”

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I lead a charmed existence!”
Truth-Bomb: “I’m sweating, and I just paid $5 for lemonade that was mostly ice. Also, this photo is blurred and cropped oddly because I thought I looked fat. I only posted it because I felt bad about making my husband take it in the first place.”

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The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am stylish!”
Truth-Bomb: “I bought these shoes used for $4. I will have to wear them with socks forever because ew.”

Until next time, keep lying, friends. The Internet’s homeostasis depends upon it. 

07/13/14
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If you’re working on a series and you don’t post it on the internet… did you really work on it?

I love beetles. Not so much the Japanese beetles that are destroying my zinnias, but the visual aspects of their biodiversity.

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I’m not alone. As JBS Haldane has pointed out, “God has an inordinate fondness for stars and beetles.” (Both are copious and varied.)

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I’ll scan them when they’re done.